No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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