Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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