Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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