your parents love me but you hate me
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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