people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I think my moral compass just broke
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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