You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
