yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
