I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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