highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
