the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
