mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
