saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Randomize
