i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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