I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm like, not good at living.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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