I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Randomize
