Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
