Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
