just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
