when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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