i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
