Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
