i think i have two assholes
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
