Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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