Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
