she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
