I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
