I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
