My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He? As in you personified your dick?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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