I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
