unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
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She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
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why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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