I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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