If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
