All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
