I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
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His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
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he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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