sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
