The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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