Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
being pregnant is like rehab
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
