WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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