I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
