I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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