the condom got lost in my hair
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
