Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
