Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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