I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
