Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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