im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
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She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
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I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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