We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
