he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
