Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
