Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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