My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
