Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We're too hungover to prance.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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