i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
