1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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