have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
